Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
