somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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