tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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