I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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