We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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