They should really pass out barf bags in church
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
