Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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