Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
