I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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