i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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