Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
they call him Oral-B. enough said
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
