she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want nice things and good sex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
