I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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