so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
