I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
