she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
