i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
