How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
