Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
