Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
