I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
third nipple confirmed
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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