my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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