If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
