i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
