Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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