so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.