His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
