You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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