Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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