Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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