Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
