Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
