I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
