What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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