You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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