You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I AM VODKA MAN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
