remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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