I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
