the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is