I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
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it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
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It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.