I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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