you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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