def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
