no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
