Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
