Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
