I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
40s are totally the cure
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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