I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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