my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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