I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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