everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
