Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
