Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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