the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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