How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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