you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
