WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
