My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
